You knew it was only a matter of time before...
VOL 35 ISSUE 20
||28 AUGUST 2003
Al-Qaida Claims Responsibility for Destruction of Fudgesicle
|Above: Timmy Wilson and his Mother|
Modesto, CAToday an anonymous spokesman for terrorist organization Al-Qaida
announced, via telephone from an undisclosed location, that the organization had
scored a major victory when it successfully performed a covert terrorist
operation to destroy 7 year old Modesto, CA resident Timmy Wilson's fudgesicle.
"We have smashed, utterly, the spirit of the infidels with this masterful
attack! Praise Allah, in all his might!", the spokesman was quoted as saying.
The attack took place at approximately 3:30pm on Wednesday. Timmy and a
friend were eating fudgesicles in the front yard when a passing car
backfired, startling them both. Timmy subsequently dropped his fudgesicle
on the ground, ruining it utterly.
"Our agents are everywhere!" proclaimed the Al-Qaida spokesman, "None
are safe! When your children trip and fall scraping their shins on the
playground, you will know our power, may Allah have mercy on your souls!"
Timmy was "shocked" and "devastated", said his mother Lucinda. "He
may have to say home from school tomorrow, and maybe even the day
|Fudgesicles like the one destroyed in the attack|
"Soon you will be brought to your infidel knees by our might, and we will
rule over you all, may Allah look kindly upon us!" concluded the Al-Qaida
spokesman, before laughing maniacally for thirty seconds and then unexpectedly
hanging up the phone.
CIA spokesman Richard Davis was quoted as saying, "This attack took us by
surprise, and almost totally unprepared. We had not considered that Al-Qaida
operatives might target small children's refreshments as part of their
nefarious schemes." Added Davis, "Those damn dirty rat-bastards."
President Bush was rumored to be in an emergency meeting with his
advisors to develop a Fudgesicle Awareness/Readiness Terrorism Handler of
Emergent Attacks and Destruction (FARTHEAD) program to prevent further
frozen fudge bar tragedies.
Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf, the Information Minister for the country of Iraq,
was unavailable for comment as of press time.