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October 14th, 2006 - Adventures in Engineering — LiveJournal
The wanderings of a modern ronin.

Ben Cantrick
  Date: 2006-10-14 08:16
  Subject:   Apparently car thieves get stupider on Friday the 13th.
Public
  Mood:why Ben can't have nice things
  Music:The Pet Shop Boys - I'm With Stupid

Came out of work tonite late, a few after midnight, and found both seats of my car fully reclined. Which was a little odd. And then I noticed that the top steering column cover was sitting on the passenger side floor...

Yup, some dumb jackass apparently thought my $2,300 blue book value Civic was worth trying to steal from the parking lot at work.

His poor taste in cars was rivaled only by his IQ, evidently, because he bungled the theft horribly, screwing up the ignition lock badly enough that he couldn't hotwire the car afterwards. Truly brilliant.

So I called the cops, and they had an officer come out, and I can get a copy of the report tomorrow. And I called my insurance company and let them know, they said they'll call me back about noon tomorrow to talk about repairs. And j_b very nicely used his AAA card to get my car flat-bedded all the way back to Boulder, which is great. (Thanks man!) I wish my mechanic was open on the weekends, but at least the car is in their parking lot, ready for them when they do open on Monday.

And now I get to spend my weekend trying to fix my car, instead of doing all the other things I had planned to do. I can still walk down the street for my blood donation appointment tomorrow morning, but that's about it. I had lots of other plans for this weekend, including some with my parents, that were part of a birthday present. And now those people get to be screwed, right along with me.

Next time, dear car thief, try not to be a bleedingly incompetent fucktard whose IQ is smaller than his shoe size. If you want to steal my car, actually fucking steal it. Don't just break it half-assedly, and then leave it sitting there. You didn't get my car, and you left your fingerprints on the window. The only thing you actually managed to accomplish was to destroy some cheap plastic, and make the car unstartable and thus unstealable. Way to go. When the police look up "clumsy" and "inept" in the dictionary, your picture will be next to both entries.


Edit: So, after I pedaled over to Bonfils and gave blood this morning, I bicycled down to the mechanic's and took some pictures of the inside of the car. Then I biked back home, and j_b gave me a ride over to the mechanic's with all my tools.

Completing the car thief's task was surprisingly easy. I managed start the engine in less than two minutes, and had the car fully driveable again in about fifteen. This in spite of never having tried to so much as break into a car in my life, much less actually fully boost one. In fact it was so easy that I'm astonished anew at the unbelievable ineptitude of the thief. I swear, I could teach a 5th grader to do this. Really! Just read:

Getting It Right, Because You Can't: The Compleat Guide to Stealing Ben's Civic, in 3 simple steps.Collapse )

Postscript: The cost to fix the car is going to be pretty close to $450 when the key switch assembly and covers are factored in. The key switch assembly alone is $420. It's a big chunk of cast metal with lots of little complicated parts inside, after all. I have a $250 deductable, so that's more money down the drain. And I have a feeling the security system isn't going to be cheap either. This is what happens when you start to make ends meet - someone goes and moves the ends. :P
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