December 26th, 2007

straight to hell

"Tiger eats tourist" trifecta tantalizingly tenable thanks to tigress Tatiana.

A Siberian tiger escaped from its enclosure at the San Francisco Zoo on Christmas day, killing one visitor and mauling two others before being shot dead by police, authorities said.

The attack, lamented as "tragic" by city officials, came a year after the same female tiger, named Tatiana, grabbed a zookeeper's arm during a public feeding, tearing into her flesh before she could be freed.

The zoo's tigers are kept in an "open grotto," not a cage, separated from the public area by a moat 18 feet (5.5-meters) wide and 20 feet (6.1-meters) deep and a wall taller than 20 feet, said animal care director Robert Jenkins.

"We don't know how it was able to get out," Jenkins told news reporters at the zoo.

"The tiger should not have been able to jump (out). This is the first thing we will be investigating," Jenkins said. "The animal appears to have climbed or otherwise leapt out of the exhibit."

Lisa: I hate going to the zoo, I feel so sorry for all the animals.

Homer: But captivity opens up a whole new world for them! In the wilds they would never experience boredom, obesity, loss of purpose.... You know, the American Dream!

Edit: Further investigation of the area has brought up some interesting stuff:

Police sources said a footprint had been found on a metal fence, suggesting that someone had climbed the fence to get closer to the big cats. Authorities were looking into whether the tiger escaped by latching on to a leg or body part.

The minimal evidence found at the scene included a shoe and blood in an area between the gate and the edge of the 25- to 30-foot-wide moat, raising questions about what role, if any, the victims might have had in accidentally helping the animal escape.
  • Current Music
    Ryan Adams - OH MY GOD, WHATEVER, ETC. (from Easy Tiger)

The most loathesome people of 2k7.

5. Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid

Charges: Graduates of the Neville Chamberlain school of appeasement, the Democratic leadership continues to ignore the constitution-and the American people-by keeping impeachment "off the table" and refusing to defund the war. True pushovers, they're too stupid, cowardly, weak and outmatched politically to accomplish anything substantive, their "strategy" essentially boiling down to whining a lot while handing Bush whatever the hell he wants. There is just no way that appearing this weak and ineffectual could be any better for them politically than impeachment. Everything that the White House gets away with, it gets away with because congress allows it.

Exhibit A: Failure to woo the two thirds majority needed to override a presidential veto is moot: They could defund the war with a 41-senator budgetary filibuster. But that would take guts and conviction.

Sentence: 2 cups anthrax bisque.

9. You

Charges: You believe in freedom of speech, until someone says something that offends you. You suddenly give a damn about border integrity, because the automated voice system at your pharmacy asked you to press 9 for Spanish. You cling to every scrap of bullshit you can find to support your ludicrous belief system, and reject all empirical evidence to the contrary. You know the difference between patriotism and nationalism -- it's nationalism when foreigners do it. You hate anyone who seems smarter than you. You care more about zygotes than actual people. You love to blame people for their misfortunes, even if it means screwing yourself over. You still think Republicans favor limited government. Your knowledge of politics and government are dwarfed by your concern for Britney Spears' children. You think buying Chinese goods stimulates our economy. You think you're going to get universal health care. You tolerate the phrase "enhanced interrogation techniques." You think the government is actually trying to improve education. You think watching CNN makes you smarter. You think two parties is enough. You can't spell. You think $9 trillion in debt is manageable. You believe in an afterlife for the sole reason that you don't want to die. You think lowering taxes raises revenue. You think the economy's doing well. You're an idiot.

Exhibit A: You couldn't get enough Anna Nicole Smith coverage.

Sentence: A gradual decline into abject poverty as you continue to vote against your own self-interest. Death by an easily treated disorder that your health insurance doesn't cover. You deserve it, chump.