January 7th, 2008

"Not an angel"

The 5 most delicious foods that will kill you.

Stuffed Crust Double-Cheeseburger Pizza - Otherwise known as the "fat-bastard special," this coronary in a cardboard box should probably come with a parental warning. "Letting your child order this pizza will probably lead to him being air-lifted out of bed on a future episode of Jerry Springer." Pizza the Hutt himself would have had a hard time choking down one of these hot and greasy pies but I guess North America had to develop something for fat people who can’t make decisions. Even bulimics won’t touch this offering because the weight gain is so rapid they don’t have time to heave it back up.

If you conform to the notion that pizza is like sex (never bad, just varying degrees of good), than this pizza would be a harem of sex-starved 19 year-old swimsuit models stricken with syphilis. Thinking of it and looking upon it makes you drool worse than Pavlov’s puppies, but bathe in its ocean of greasy pleasure and that sound you hear will be the instantaneous blocking of your aortal valve. I’ve always suffered from a horrendous grease-tooth but this monstrosity offends even my scarce sensibilities.

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