April 4th, 1960: Barack Hussein Obama is born in a secret Masonic chapel beneath the streets of Paris. With genetic material scraped from the shroud of Turin and eggs stolen from an unconscious Marilyn Monroe, Obama is carried to term in the womb of a mysterious three headed dog, ancient beyond man’s ken. For the first few months of his life he is raised by a shadowy cabal of ancient knights and professional baccart players, who program him with the knowledge he will need to one day destroy America.
Summer 1961: An infant Obama is secretly taken to Hawaii on a submarine powered by free energy.
August 4th, 1961: Barack Obama is “born” in Hawaii.
September 1983: As part of his spiritual training, and to please his cruel lord Crom, Obama buries thousands of Atari ET cartridges in the desert.
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