Ben Cantrick (mackys) wrote,
Ben Cantrick

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Three points to consider before dating me...

This is going to be one of those whiny, self-indulgent, self-aggrandizing, egotistical posts that I simply loathe reading when they're written by other people, and can only barely stand writing about myself without pulling out a gun and shooting myself in the brainstem for being such a pretentious, self-righteous fuck-tard.

It seems that, in general, I don't do a very good job of communicating my particular quirks to potential girlfriends. Recent events have cast this tendency of mine in sharp relief. Therefore I will now write down those quirks here, so that I have a reference with which to remind myself, and perhaps to warn other people.

1. I like sex. I really hate to put this first, and to devote relatively so much space to it, but as it was the major cause of the failure of my previous attempted relationship, and has generally been a significant issue in several relationships, I feel the need to get it out in the open immediately. Now, I *am* getting older, and (somewhat to my chagrin) my sex drive is dropping a bit - though I can still remember the g(l)ory days of "Gee, sheep don't look so bad...". ;] Never the less, I'm going to be looking for sex about once a week on average. If I'm stressing at work, it might be half that, since stress kills sex drive faster than anything. But by the same token, if I'm bored and feeling frisky, it might be twice that often. Regardless, on average, about once a week is what I consider optimal.

If this is going to be a problem for you, we'd better not date. As I said, this seems to have been an issue with a fair percentage of the people I've dated, and it never, ever resolves itself. And I'm really sick and damn tired of enduring endless rantage directed at me by prude people over the fact that I refuse to engage in or accept from others the stupidly puritanical attitudes that American society attempts to foist on me when it comes to my own sexuality. I'm a person who is sex-positive, and if you're not, let's not even make the attempt. Things have never, ever worked out with anyone who regards sex as dirty or evil or unclean or impure or "wrong" or whatever.

I am totally cool with the fact that my drive is a fair bit higher than average. I have no problem with people who don't want or need sex anywhere near as often as I do. That's perfectly normal human variation, and regardless it's me who is two standard deviations from the norm here. I'm just saying, this is a big thing for me. And I can't explain why it's so important to me, not any more than I can explain why blue is my favorite color or cherry garcia is my favorite ice cream. I'm not looking down on anyone who has different tastes, needs or desires than I have. I'm simply saying: this has been a major compatability issue for me. If this isn't your speed, then let's just be friends, alright?

Oh yeah, last note - while I do have a pretty open mind, kinky people still freak me out a bit. I might be able to do some of that stuff if I had my hand held the first couple of times. But for the most part, my experience has lead me to believe that I am pretty boringly vanilla in bed, and will probably be so forever. "Frequent and enthusiastic but not terribly wild" - that's me.

Oh, and if you have anything more than very mild prejudice against gays, lesbians or bisexuals, you'd better run away as well. While as far as I can tell I'm about as straight as human beings are made (probably about a Kinsey 0.1), I have friends who are not and I don't have a problem with them. If that's going to freak you out, run away now.

2. Don't ask me questions you don't want to know the answers to. If you ask me "Do these pants make my ass look fat?", and I think they do, then I'm going to tell you so without hesitation. If you can't handle that level of honesty from someone close to you, and would prefer someone who will tell you the feel-good social lies, then I'm not the guy for you. I'm sorry if you have trouble with the truth. I try very hard not to be an asshole about stating my opinions. But if someone asks me a direct question, I do strongly believe that it would be both dishonest and disrespectful to not tell them the full truth flat out. Particularly bad to me would be lying to my SO, a person for whom I presumably have a great deal of respect. I will not lie to you, period. If this bothers you, there are PLENTY of weasel/flatter guys in the world, go hook up with one of them. You'll be a lot happier. And on a related note...

3. I'm not psychic, and I'm pretty bad at sublety. If you want something, tell me so. Just as I feel it's a matter of respect to tell people the truth when they ask for it, I also believe that if a person respects me, they will return the respect by being brutally honest with me. I do not enjoy head-games. As much as I would like it, I can't read anyone's mind. If you pull the old "If you don't know why I'm angry with you/know what you did wrong/you aren't totally perfect, then I'm not going to tell you!" thing with me more than a couple of times, I'm going to be gone so fast it'll make your head spin. I firmly believe that open and honest communication is REQUIRED to make a relationship work. If you cannot communicate with me in a moderately straightforward manner, and do not have the necessary ovarian fortitude to tell me when you want something, or when I've fucked up, or whatever, then our relationship is doomed from the start.

I will not hate you for expressing a different opinion. Indeed, if you express a different opinion from me and seem to have good reasons for it, I will admire you. I hate people who can't seem to think for themselves, and I prize intelligence and independance in my women quite highly. The ability to have a different but equally valid opinion is a big, big sign of both.


Yeah, I think those are really the big ones. I could add in some more, like "I'm a computer geek and I like it - if geeky guys aren't your speed, why are you even considering me?" or something, but I think most of those are common knowledge. The three above are the ones where I differ significantly from the average, and those are the places where people need to have decent foreknowledge.

(I'm curious to hear what people have to say after reading this entry. If you have anything you want to say, post a comment, eh? Anon posting is enabled if you don't have an LJ account, or don't want to be identified.)

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