Ben Cantrick (mackys) wrote,
Ben Cantrick

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Stupid, useless angst. :P

Mom came and hassled me this morning again about not having a job. I had hoped she'd be happy since I got up at 7:15 to help Ben let the llamas out and water them and stuff. After that I was still tired, so I went back to bed for an hour or so. That's when she came to hassle me. Apparently, sleeping until 8:35 is "sleeping late". :P

I wish there was some way to adequately express to other people the pain and frustration I feel about being out of work so long and seemingly still having no prospects. I wish there was a way I could make people understand that I'm probably three times as angry, frustrated and pissed off at my situation as they are. And I'm seriously tempted to do all the stupid, inane little things mom's been suggesting - like deleting my entire website ("because prospective employers might not like it", she says) and taking any suggestion of wit or intelligence out of my .sig (apparently the same reason). And then when I've done every stupid, conformist, sheeple thing she wants me to for two or three months and I still have no fucking job whatsoever and no prospects, then perhaps she'll shut up. :P

Problem is, I'm not the kind of person who enjoys letting other people take responsibility for my life. (Yes, I know - these words from the mouth of a nearly 30 year old man living with his parents??) I know that what I'm doing to find a job isn't working. And I know I need to do something else. And I'm trying, damnit. But I don't know what to do. I've tried everything I can think of, and then some. And it seems no matter how much effort I put forth, no matter how many resumes I send off, no matter how many headhunters I talk to, no matter how I try and network with friends and family, no matter how many papers' classifieds I read, no matter how many apps I put in at retail hell jobs that ought to be a fucking no-brainer, it doesn't matter - I cannot seem to get a job, period.

And yes, nobody else seems to be having much luck either. But I'm not comforted by the fact that I have a lot of company in my frustration. I'm not a person who derives his self-esteem from being part of a group. Quite the opposite, in fact. Yes, that's puer aeternus complex at work. Thanks, I know. Apparently the cure for that is work - and getting away from the controlling mother anima. Both are exactly what I'm trying to do. Got any leads for me? :P

I don't want to be ungreatful towards my mom. I am unbelievably impressed with her for putting a roof over my head for as long as she has. My dad is obviously none too happy with the situation, and really doesn't want me at his place. This much was blindingly obvious when I met him for dinner two days ago, to talk about maybe moving back there if I got the job with Radio Shack in Boulder. (Since it will be just slightly more than an hour's drive each way from mom's to Radio Shack...)

I'm pissed off, I'm frustrated, and I'm annoyed as hell. When mom suggested I check the papers again and I dissented because that has continually failed me quite badly every time I've tried it in the past, she said - "It seems like no suggestion I make is ever good enough for you."

Well maybe that makes us even, mom. Because it seems that no effort I make is good enough for you. And the same seems to be true for anyone who might hire me, too. So welcome to my world. It's not much fun here, is it?

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