Ben Cantrick (mackys) wrote,
Ben Cantrick
mackys

Al-Qaida Claims Responsibility for Destruction of Fudgesicle



Remember this?

You knew it was only a matter of time before...

The Onion
 VOL 35 ISSUE 20  AMERICA'S FINEST NEWS SOURCE  28 AUGUST 2003
NATION

Al-Qaida Claims Responsibility for Destruction of Fudgesicle

Above: Timmy Wilson and his Mother

Modesto, CA—Today an anonymous spokesman for terrorist organization Al-Qaida announced, via telephone from an undisclosed location, that the organization had scored a major victory when it successfully performed a covert terrorist operation to destroy 7 year old Modesto, CA resident Timmy Wilson's fudgesicle.

"We have smashed, utterly, the spirit of the infidels with this masterful attack! Praise Allah, in all his might!", the spokesman was quoted as saying.

The attack took place at approximately 3:30pm on Wednesday. Timmy and a friend were eating fudgesicles in the front yard when a passing car backfired, startling them both. Timmy subsequently dropped his fudgesicle on the ground, ruining it utterly.

"Our agents are everywhere!" proclaimed the Al-Qaida spokesman, "None are safe! When your children trip and fall scraping their shins on the playground, you will know our power, may Allah have mercy on your souls!"

Timmy was "shocked" and "devastated", said his mother Lucinda. "He may have to say home from school tomorrow, and maybe even the day after."

Fudgesicles like the one destroyed in the attack

"Soon you will be brought to your infidel knees by our might, and we will rule over you all, may Allah look kindly upon us!" concluded the Al-Qaida spokesman, before laughing maniacally for thirty seconds and then unexpectedly hanging up the phone.

CIA spokesman Richard Davis was quoted as saying, "This attack took us by surprise, and almost totally unprepared. We had not considered that Al-Qaida operatives might target small children's refreshments as part of their nefarious schemes." Added Davis, "Those damn dirty rat-bastards."

President Bush was rumored to be in an emergency meeting with his advisors to develop a Fudgesicle Awareness/Readiness Terrorism Handler of Emergent Attacks and Destruction (FARTHEAD) program to prevent further frozen fudge bar tragedies.

Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf, the Information Minister for the country of Iraq, was unavailable for comment as of press time.

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