Ben Cantrick (mackys) wrote,
Ben Cantrick

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Stop me before I parody again!!

The Onion
 VOLUME 666 ISSUE 69       AMERICA'S FINEST NEWS SOURCE       2 OCTOBER 2003</td> <td width="98%" align="right"><input ... ></td> <td align="right"><input ... ></td> </form></tr>

Bush II Administration Still Announcing What Everyone Already Knows

WASHINGTON, DC — In a press conference at the White House, vice-president Dick Cheney admitted today that he does indeed have a continuing financial interest in Halliburton corporation.

Americans everywhere responded by slapping their foreheads with their palms of their hands and saying, "Duhhhh!"

The announcement comes as the latest of a long string of painfully apparent, widely known facts being announced by the Bush II administration as if they were actually less than bleedingly obvious.

Though it is unclear exactly how long ago the pattern of obvious statements emerged, reports as far back as February show that Colin Powell, while reviewing intelligence in support of the invasion of Iraq he was to present before the UN, refused to repeat the intelligence saying, quote: "I'm not reading this. This is bullshit." Upon hearing of this statement from our reporter, Randy Milholland of Cambridge, MA was quoted as saying, "Bush's justifications for attacking Iraq were bullshit? No! Really??" before snickering to himself.

In early June, deputy secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz admitted at a secuity summit in Asia the that the war on Iraq was about oil. When asked for his opinion on this fact, Fred Gallagher of Urbana, Ill rolled his eyes and responded, "Well now, there's a big surprise."

And in March, the White House was forced to retract their hilarious assertion, made in President Bush's state of the union address, that the funny-hat-wearing, tinpot Iraqi dictator, Saddam Hussien, had tried to buy uranium from Nigera. Boulder, CO area resident Ben Cantrick went on the record as saying, "Nigeria?? Aren't they a member of OPEC, and the sixth biggest crude-oil exporter on the globe? Oooooh, I get it! Hehe!"

As of press time, we cannot comfirm reports that this trend will continue, with a special press conference to be held later this week by Supreme Court Chief Justice Antonin Scalia and Bush's 2000 presidential campaign manager Ken Mehlman, where they plan to "laugh in the faces of the American people on prime-time national TV," and then "wipe their butts with copies of the US Constitution."

Apologies to Randy and Fred. ;]
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