Ben Cantrick (mackys) wrote,
Ben Cantrick

Ill-tempered rantage.

Why is "teh" funny? Because it is. Deliberately poking fun at oneself by deliberately misspelling a simple word, is a form of amusement. It's a highly ironic kind of humor, tinged with a bit of uncomfortable truth - "Ha, ha, only serious."

I'll make no friends by saying this, but if you don't get HHOS humor, then you're probably not of the right mindset to hang around computer geeks - or geeks in general.

I like to think I hang with a pretty bright crowd. Though their intelligence is mostly secondary to me - I like them because I think they're good people and because we share a common understanding and/or viewpoint on life. People who don't get HHOS I almost automatically toss into the "not the sharpest tool in the shed" bin. Maybe I'm wrong about that. Or maybe I'm right and it doesn't make a damn bit of difference. Plenty of completely ordinary people have done extraordinary things. And plenty of geniuses have wasted their lives in intellectual masturbation.

Whatever. If you have to ask why teh is funny, you'll never get it.

I hate my job. Yes, I understand there's a support group for that. It's called everyone, and it meets at your local bar. (Thanks j_b.)

I still hate the fact that I'm going to get up at 6:15am on a Saturday morning so I can go listen to morons from the district office drone on about things that don't matter, so they can feel like they're doing their job. I gave organized religion a pass because it apparently required me to get up early on the weekends. I don't feel any better about doing it just because now I get a paycheck.

Might not be so bad either if they didn't clearly know that it takes me an hour to get from where I live to where I work. And then when they go and schedule me to be in to work exactly two and a half hours after the meeting ends, I start to get a little bit annoyed...

The message is crystal clear:



I've told more than one boss to "have a nice life " when they've pulled this shit on me before. If this becomes a pattern with Radio Shack... well, I can get a shitty minimum wage job anywhere.

My mom thinks she can enforce my happiness by pressuring me into pretending that everything is hunky-dory in my life. But I refuse to play that game.

And then she tells me it hurts her that I'm unhappy - "in spite of everything she's done for me."

She's always been like this. A typical hover parent, protecting her kid from the consequences of his own mistakes. Insisting said kid is unable to deal with his own life, and that his feelings are wildly irrational and thus invalid. Emasculating and infantilizing him in an unconscious attempt to retain supervisory power over him. I saw the following fortune on /. today:

Sweater (n): An article of clothing worn by a child when its mother feels cold.

Story of my fucking life.

I'm not helping things any myself, of course. Accepting living at her place, accepting her paying off one of my debts. No, there is no high and mighty on my part here - I'm well aware of all the things I've done to create, enable and support this situation. And I really, truly am greatful for everything she's done. (Am I ever...) And I've told her so. In a way more honest, graphic and emotionally vulnerable than I'd ever done in my life before. (I initiated a hug. First time I've done that in 28 years. Yes, I am a bit stiff. Thanks for the update there, Captain Obvious. Never the less, THE SINGLE TIME in 3 decades. If that isn't significant, then nothing is.)

But I refuse to lie to myself about how my life is going. My life is going badly. Things suck. I'm trying to fix them, but some of it is beyond my power. And I'm not going to put a falsely cheerful face on things just to make her feel better. Not everyone's life is perfect like yours, mom. And you can't make everyone's life perfect - because you're not all-powerful. So if it hurts you that other people in the world are unhappy, that's too bad. You can't control the world or the other people in it. You can't force happiness, and you can't compel love. Those emotions would be worthless if they could be forced or compelled.

Learn to deal with the fact that the world is not perfect and that you cannot control it, and maybe you'll not be so unhappy around me. Or at least, maybe you'll be able to accept my unhappiness, without feeling the need to take responsibility for something that you didn't create, and cannot control.

And if you don't want me living in your goddamn house unless I'm a big fucking ray of sunshine 24/7, then stand right the fuck up and tell me so. I assume that gifts are freely given when people tell me they are. If it turns out those gifts come with strings attached, please tell me that beforehand so I can say, "No thanks." Don't expect me to read your mind and just "know" what the right thing to do is - I'm not psychic, as much as I'd like that. And don't expect me to always agree with you, either - I have my own mind and I've lived my own life. I thought that maybe you'd appreciate that, that it would show you that you taught me well. That I think for myself and have enough self-confidence to pursue my own paths, even when other people - even the people I care about most - disapprove. But apparently I was wrong about you. More and more, it seems that you're just another over-socialized idiot, who gets all flustered when there's the slightest bit of dissent shown anywhere. Who can't handle alternate viewpoint. Who can't bear to let someone else feel differently about things. That's too bad. Because like most sons, I idolized my mother. But I guess you're only human after all...

In any event, attempting to make other people change their feelings just so you can be happy is, like any other form of trying to make someone change in a way you want, attempting to control them. Some people don't take kindly to attempts to put them under control. And I'm one of them.

It's about time I admit to my feelings of entitlement. I stated a ways back that I was trying not to allow myself to slip into typical Boulder entitlement. It's time to quit lying to myself - I am fully invested in not one, but two separate large chunks of entitlement.

I am fucking ENTITLED to be able to find a job that allows me to pay my rent and car insurance, and maybe have enough money left over to go to a movie once a month. I don't think I'm entitled to be rich by any means, but I don't think being able to afford a roof over my head, the "we'll throw you in jail if you don't have it" insurance on my car, and the occasional $8 mindless crapfest is unreasonable to ask.

I am also fucking ENTITLED to get a computer related job, because I am a damn good with computers, and the world desperately needs smart computer people. Computers in general are a fucking mess, and they need to be fixed. And there are tens of thousands of smart computer geeks out there right now who are hopelessly fucking unemployed. This is fundamentally wrong, and it needs to be fixed. And the first step is getting that idiot, warmonger, economy destroyer out of the Oval Office.

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