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The life and times of a replicator repair ensign. - Adventures in Engineering — LiveJournal
The wanderings of a modern ronin.

Ben Cantrick
  Date: 2008-08-03 02:22
  Subject:   The life and times of a replicator repair ensign.
Public
  Tags:  humor, reddit, straight to hell

Oh, to work security. The guys in engineering make fun of them, call them "red shirts" and talk about how they're meat shields on every away-mission. Not me. Those guys have it made. They sit around and play three-tiered chess all day in the break room, they get double the standard holodeck time and then they get to go out in a blaze of glory on the away-missions with the upper crust of the bridge crew. I'd trade an extra twenty years onboard this bucket of shit for my name in a captain's log talking about how I had all of my carbon sucked out by some monster that looked like the hottest woman ever.

And the bridge crew, feh. Do you know how many times I've even been on the bridge? Once, when Captain Picard somehow fucked up the holodeck again (not my department) and got Moriarty to come out of his replicator. There was tweed everywhere. Bolts of the stuff just kept coming out of the damn replicator. Those assholes only ever call me when something breaks. My chest never beeps and then says "Ensign Dupree, we are under attack, what do you think the replicator can do." I would say "a whole hell of a lot," because holy crap, it's only like the second most incredible technology ever made. It would be the most incredible, but you can't make a replicator generate forty identical women with giant breasts and insatiable libidos. That's holodeck territory.


http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/blue-stripe-life.php
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  User: (Anonymous)
  Date: 2008-08-03 16:01 (UTC)
  Subject:   (no subject)
Well... I don't know where to start with this poseur motherfucker.

In the original Trek, redshirts were for, both, tactical and engineering crews. If you recall, Scotty wore a red uniform in the original series. The 'engineers' are only yellow starting in TNG (well, technically, they undergo some changes in the Trek movies, but they're not quite as conspicuous - for example, in ST the Motion Picture set in the mid 2270s, security is grey while the late 2270s to around 2350 shows engineering to be yellow and security to be dark green). He even mentions holodeck privilege time and the Federation didn't have holodecks during the TOS timeline. Why is this relevent when the writer sounds like he's referencing events aboard the Enterprise with Picard? Along with not being able to keep uniform colors straight even though he's discussing uniform differences that are centuries apart, his desire to go out in a 'blaze of glory' by having all the carbon sucked out of him by some monster doesn't actually reference any 'real' Trek event. In fact, the closest to that incident occurs in an episode of the original Trek where a creature can appear as a desirable person from another person's memories, hypnotize them and extract all the salt out of them (TOS: Man Trap). Obviously, Ensign Utter Loser here doesn't have the first clue about Starfleet history.

That said, let me lead into the next part...


-J
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  User: (Anonymous)
  Date: 2008-08-03 16:02 (UTC)
  Subject:   (no subject)
And can your logs be any whinier? Christ... As dissatisfied as you seem to be with your job (Hey, fucker! That's what you get when you are a maintenance guy. You get to maintain shit. Get over it), you'd think you'd do a better job for the captain and the senior staff to curry some favor so if you were genuinely disgruntled with you job, maybe you could get a transfer to something you're more interested in. Oh, no, though. You'd rather be lousy at your job *and* bitch and moan about it to no end and not do anything about it.

I realize we live in a century where everything is hunky dory and peaceful, yadda, yadda, but do me a favor and grow a pair. Frankly, I suspect that was the real reason you didn't nail Crusher to her sofa. No man with a functioning pair of testicles and horny (hey, your words) would not nail the chief medical officer when she's practically naked in front of you. Can you catch teh ghey even in the 24th century?

Maybe that's why Worf showing up at the door to his quarters nekkid unsettled you so much. You just haven't come to grips with your sexuality. It's ok, though, sounds like the senior crew are pretty open-minded folk. I'm sure they won't mind that that's how you roll. I'd be more concerned about being an utter douchebag, though.

Seriously, you got a problem with Riker? Ohnoes, he acts like an overgrown fratboy and he sux0rz~ He hasn't done shit to me, but I can't help, but qqmore b/c I'm a maintenance guy. You call his life depressing, but you have got to be projecting. Must be rough being the second-in-command of Starfleet's flagship, turning down ship commands and women inexplicably (I'll give you this) throwing themselves at you. Oh, yeah, and he still outranks you by four ranks. He's got the ear of his captain and Starfleet higher ups. The only ear you've got is your personal log and the Orion slave girl skanks in your holodeck program.

Wesley? Though I think he's just a child and think him a twit, he is the master when it comes to making shit up on the fly. He's actually saved the ship a few times not to mention seen more action than you on one of your holodeck trips. Ok, yeah, he is a prick.

I don't buy that you were the one that single-handedly foiled the Romulan boarding party. Your ass is either color blind or completely ignorant of Starfleet uniform divisions and its history, but you expect me to believe that you know what a .45 caliber firearm from the 20th century is much less know how to use one and foil an entire boarding party? Dude, I call shenanigans on that. Sounds like you're getting your holodeck life and real life confused there, chief.

You know, you're just going to have to learn to deal with things better. Like that incident over at Ishikawa and O'Brien's quarters? Shit, man, all you had to do was take your personal phaser set to stun and you wouldn't have had half the static you got. Shit like that could get you reprimanded or some note inserted into your service record and that's going to screw you down the line for promotions. Btw, have you even fired that thing since it was issued to you? You probably haven't fired a phaser since your Academy training days, jeebus.

If you're thinking you're in line for promotion, think again. After all the crap you stirred up with the senior officers, you think they're going to want to promote a guy like you? Does a shit job then whines about it in his personal log? One last bit of advice, btw. Don't log all your personal shit into the Enterprise mainframe. If you really want to secure your personal logs, use a stand alone padd that's not interfaced with the ship's computers lest guys like me come across all this bullshit when we're doing maintenance.


Sincerely,

Your friendly ship dba and fellow maintenance guy

PS Next time I have to read this shit, I'm going to post it all over the shipwide bulletin boards.
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  User: (Anonymous)
  Date: 2008-08-06 09:04 (UTC)
  Subject:   (no subject)
Pfft, blatant lies!

Those Imperial Stormtroopers deserve their crap! Be able to pick up a laser rifle, shoot it like crap, and be able to fit into their body armor thingies that... don't seem to protect them from anything. They deserve the crappity crap they get for contributing to an oppressive regime!! They're in the crap of their own making!


Sincerely,

Not-so-anonymous USS Enterprise dba and non-oppressive regime contributor









Crap
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  User: (Anonymous)
  Date: 2008-08-06 16:02 (UTC)
  Subject:   (no subject)
Hmm... I meant to mention that the Imperial Stormtroopers have no real qualifications other than being able to shoot a laser rifle like crap and being able to fit into body armor thingies that don't protect them from... crap...


Not-so-anonymous and easily distracted mid-sentence/thought USS Enterprise dba
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