Ben Cantrick (mackys) wrote,
Ben Cantrick


This is going to be a really rambling, disorganized and pointless entry. Also narcissistic, ego-stroking and self-aggrandizing. Even if you know me personally you're probably going to be bored stiff reading it. My love life (or complete lack thereof) is unbelievably fucking tiresome even to me, and I'm living the damn thing.

So, for the past, eh, 4 months, I'e been trying without real success to get a girl out of my head. I'm talking about Christine, of course. (Not lilacwire, a different Christine.)

About once a week or so, I catch myself talking to myself in the car, or muttering aloud in the shower, about all the bullshit she pulled on me. And I have to wonder, why am I having such a hard time getting over her? Why do I have this insanely deep-seated anger towards her that I am unable to let go of?

It's not like anything really went on when we were "dating". I use the quotes for several reasons. The biggest one was quite simply that nothing really did go on. I remember her roomie Dan getting all pissed off one night because he felt like he wasn't invited when we were watching a movie at her place, and he felt like his space was being invaded. The funny thing is, though, that nothing was going on. Really and truly, nothing. If he had sat down right beside us and watched the whole movie with us, I think it would have been exactly the same for me, emotionally speaking. 'Course, I think Dan has some issues still tied up with her. (Here's a tip: If you care about your sanity, don't ever continue living with your ex post-breakup. Just don't...) But seeing as I seem to as well, I don't see how I can blame him.

Another reason I use the quotes around "dating" is because I feel like she never really gave me a chance. Or rather, she didn't ever try and make it work. She was happy to sit back and let me expend all the effort. And I also felt like she expected me to read her mind and just know what she wanted, when and how. Which is not a really good way to build a healthy relationship, in my opinion. :P It's my opinion that healthy relationships require at least some balance to the give and take. And clear, honest and frequent communication is really important. I didn't feel like either of these things were present.

Of course, the issue of sex was a big one between us. I was pretty firm in my stance that it needed to be part of the relationship, at least eventually. She hated the idea, and I think really didn't like me for being honest with her about it. But the funny thing is, even though she knew in advance what my attitude on it was (by reading some posts I made at, she seemed to more or less agree to go out with me anyway. Contrast this with yukihana, who more or less propositioned me for a relationship, but when I told her I wanted sex to be part of it, she gracefully bowed out. I feel like she was very honest and very self-aware about it, and for that reason I have a tremendous respect for her. I don't find I have any such respect for Christine.

Of course it's easy to sling mud at other people. I certanly did my share of stupid and despicable things. I snuck around behind j_b's back with her, even though I knew better. The fact that she once told me to let her deal with him is not an excuse. He's my friend and he deserves to told the truth, damnit. It was highly disrespectful not to tell him, no matter what the consequences. Real friends are the ones who, if they stab you, will do it in the chest, not in the back. And it was stupid of me to try and hide it from him anyway, as he found out in about no time flat. People talk, and shit gets around. You can't hide stuff like that, and I knew it. And I tried to anyway. Stupid. (Of course, the karma came back, since he's now (I think) dating a really cool girl named Allison. Karma's nice that way. ;])

And although I do believe that Christine didn't communicate and/or gave highly mixed signals, the truth is I did that same thing. I recall a sushi dinner wherein I told her I "just wanted to be friends." Just for reference, girls, if a guy ever tells you he "just wants to be friends", there is a 99% probability he is lying. (See here for more.)

And since I'm dispensing free advice to women, here's another one: Do not ever invite a guy into your bed if you don't fully intend to fuck him. I know this sounds harsh, but please, just don't do it. I likely do not have a right to be saying this, but it appears that Christine was date-raped a while back. This of course had a huge number of really terrible consequences for her, and I can't say enough how horrible it must be. For a while there I was jokingly plotting to myself how best to kill the guy who did it. You know - both arms and both legs broken and left on an army-ant hill in the middle of the Sahara. Or, as Bas told us, what they did to the guy who tried to assassinate the king of the Netherlands: put in a barrel with lots of salt and nails and rolled down a big hill a couple of hundred times.

Still, at the same time, she did have me sleep over a couple of times, in her bed, and absolutely did not want any of the attention I gave her. Held my hands away, in fact. Doing this kind of thing is a really bad idea. I have fairly good self-control, but never the less I am a man. Despite my boyish appearance and normally reserved demeanor, I have a huge amount of testosterone running around inside my body, and I am bigger and stonger than most women are. I keep myself under control quite well, but please try and help me out by not teasing the living shit out of me. It really doesn't help. You may enjoy teasing guys. You may know guys who can deal with it without blinking an eye. You may even know a few who enjoy it. But I am not one of them, and I don't think most guys are. Please don't do it.

I kinda feel like there's an analogy with mugging. Nobody deserves to be mugged. Even if you go into the darkest alley in the worst part of town at 2am, you still don't deserve to be mugged. It's illegal and morally wrong no matter where or when it happens. That said, most people are smart enough to avoid going down dark alleys in bad parts of town in the middle of the night. I feel more or less the same way about what Christine did. Please be smarter than that. :P

Another thing that really bugged me about her was how incredible hypersensitive she got when I even casually mentioned my last (and still best) girlfriend. I swear to god, even a little offhand mention of something that Pa-Chan did that I liked or thought was good, and she was instantly on the defensive. So I tried to cut it out pretty quick, though unfortunately I still slipped up a time or two. She never mentioned previous boyfriends either, except maybe once to say she was still messed up over Jason Cook. I'm still mystified about that. I feel like it was another aspect of the "read my mind" thing. You say you want more romance. I'm trying. I bring you flowers and chocolate, both roses which are your favorite. I take you out to sushi and steak. I spend time showing you my favorite movies. You're still not happy. Well, what am I doing wrong here? Give me an example of something that your previous boyfriends did that was the right thing. I'm not so insecure that I'm going to get all flustered because you've had relationships before me. We're all adults here(?), we've been through this shit enough to know how to handle it. Right?

And despite all this shit, I still can't get over her. I'm getting really annoyed with myself. Like, why do you want to reconcile with this girl? What the hell is it about her?! Yeah, she's pretty. Yeah, she's intelligent. But you knew she had huge amounts of emotional baggage before you started trying to date her, and your experience dating her just proves it. What is your problem, Cantrick? Don't you get it? Can't you see what the fuck is right in front of your face? Every time I find myself venting aloud, I say to myself, "You know, you are SO not over her. *SO* not over her." Why? Why why why???

Well, maybe it's just a little by little thing. Maybe the pain fades so slowly I just can't tell it's going down. One thing that I think actually helped was hearing from Nick at a party I went to last night that she's still screwed up over Jason Cook. Which is hilarious because apparently they only dated for three months, and I'm sure Jason is the type to get some from any woman he's dating. Jason moved off to chase some girl from NY. A month or two later she decided she hated The City and decided she was going back to school in Tennessee. She told him, "If you want to contiunue our relationship, now you need to follow me to Tennesse." And he's doing it! Anyway, he came back to Colorado briefly and crashed on the couch at Nick's house. Apparently she drove all the way up to Boulder just to see him while he was back. And apparently he wasn't on the couch in the morning. It's difficult to say with any certanty what really happened there, but I don't think it's too far-fetched to assume she slept with him again.

But why does that help? Well, I think it helps me see her in a clearer, more realistic light. It's sort of a confirmation of what I've thought, which is that she really didn't want a relationship, and that I did the right thing by walking away from her, no matter how painful for us both it was. Maybe, just maybe, I'll start getting better now. We'll see...

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